Bobbi: I saw 'The Help' on Friday night. I loved it. I believe it is a must see movie for everyone. I have never had any problems being 'racial.' My mother did. If I dated someone of another race it about sent her to her grave. I always had the understanding that people are people. I make an effort to try and be kind to everyone. So why was it awkward as I went to the restroom after the movie to be in line with black women and not know how to act? I felt if I smiled or started conversation (like I usually do) that these women would *think the only reason I was doing it was because of the movie. So I did nothing, which seemed even more awkward. Today at Walmart, I was in the printer aisle getting some ink. I was with my significant other who was helping me find what I needed. Right next to us was a black woman in a wheelchair. I proceeded to ask, 'hey, do we need the black one or the colored one?' and she shot me a look that could kill...until she realized and remembered that we were ALL looking at printer ink. What is happening to me?? This movie has made me too hypersensitive now. HELP!
Margaret: First of all, if you wanna smile and say 'hi' to someone in the restroom, then go ahead. Own it. Awkward or not...just be yourself. You are a friendly person, to everyone, and no one need question that or your intentions. If they do question it is because they are prejudiced. (Prejudice is defined as 'prejudgement, misjudgement, preconception', etc.) If they presume your intentions, they are basing them on little or no knowledge of who you really are. They are basing them on their own past experiences (and their 'prejudgement, misjudgement, or preconception' of you). Well, you are not responsible for their past experiences. But on the other hand, if we presume their reaction to our intentions then what are we basing THAT on? Our own prejudice or misjudgement?
Bobbi: I've always been taught to think of others before myself. Sometimes that can be a burden because I find it affecting how I act because I worry too much on how others will perceive things. So how do I find a balance? How do you find balance?
Margaret: The burden of worrying about how others will perceive things becomes lighter when our desire and efforts to be nice to everyone are increasingly more true and genuine. That increase comes from a constant effort to nurture and refine that God-given light in each of us--learning to love ourselves and others as God loves us. As that genuine love and light grows, it will be evident to others and it will be less likely that they will take offense or misjudge.
But there will always be some who ignorantly and obnoxiously misjudge. Life is about choice. And while sometimes I'd really like to, I can not choose how others will perceive or react. I do not like many of Pres. Obama's policies or ideologies, but because I disagree with him there are some that would say I am racist or a mean person (the newspaper told me so). I am neither. There are some that would say that because I do not support a homosexual lifestyle I am hateful, or bigoted. I am neither. But are not THOSE people prejudiced?
So, while I CAN NOT choose for everyone and what they think of me or what I stand for, I CAN choose to be true, genuine, humble and kind.
Bobbi: I understand, and that's what I strive for. The hardest part is most people are jaded from their life experiences- so to trust someone to be genuine within the first 5 minutes is very hard for some to do. Most feel trust is something earned and not freely given. I know that because I've seen myself do it at times just by life experiences I've had within the past few years. I used to believe everything a person told me until proven otherwise. And for the most part...that is still the case. BUT, I have also been around some individuals who through their works have proven to be dishonest, unethical individuals seeking a personal agenda. I've been sucked in before only to be horribly let down. I think some individuals are just weary from being let down so many times. So, the question I leave for myself in reflecting on my earlier comments of perceived comments or gestures is that I should take a look in the mirror. Am I going to give someone the benefit of the doubt and prove me wrong rather than living a life of conspiracy theories and have them prove me right? Either way, I get hurt. So you are right, my friend, the high road is always the right one.
Margaret: "Be not weary in well-doing."
Remember, world, we fight prejudice (TOWARD us or FROM us) with forgiveness, patience, wisdom, honesty, generosity. And when you feel hurt, judged, put-down or let-down instead of using your strength to stay bitter or make a plan of revenge DONATE your strength to building goodness and character in others. And when you look in that proverbial mirror...look past your own nose and don't forget to SMILE!
Bobbi: Honestly, I think that's why being an attorney has always seemed appealing to me. You walk into a courtroom, guns blazing, saying what needs to be said without worrying about 'feelings' getting in the way. It sounds cold and heartless. It takes far more work building 'goodness and character' in others. Can you tell...at my age I'm getting tired of being a 'builder'? But it is so ingrained in me that I don't think I could change who I am. I don't think I'd fall asleep at night feeling better if I chose to be any different. It reminds me of the movie 'You've Got Mail'. Meg Ryan so badly wanted to tell Tom Hanks of what a horrible person she thought he was. She spoke of how she tossed and turned at night thinking of all the things she'd wished she said. So one day she worked up the courage to speak her mind without a thought of the other person. She states, "for the first time in my life I was able to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. And of course, afterwards I felt terrible just as you said I would. I was cruel and I'm never cruel. Though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man. To him, I am just a bug to be crushed. But what if it did? No matter what he's done to me there is no excuse for my behavior."
I think of that movie scene often when I am tempted to do the same thing. I think sometimes the 'right' words not coming at the 'right' time is a blessing.
Margaret: Like...when you called me an "old bitty"??!! :)
Bobbi: I have no problem saying that any time any place. Old Bitty.
Margaret: Just remember, if you're standing in line in the restroom don't call the lady in front of you an "Old Bitty"!
Bobbi: Only if she's white.
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